I can't seem to make me mine.

So I've been watching almost non stop "Community". New tv show on my list! So sad, I've even fallen in love with my Ikea bed. I think I miss feeling loved and feeling someone actually cares about me. Oh well. Changing sad subjects, classes start on thursday and I can't wait. Lighting, photoshop, art history... I really need to keep my mind busy and distracted from my stupid thoughts. Sofia is arrived to the city yesterday and we'll get to have a girly diner here, isn't that awesome? Oh, I didn't mention Monica left. We felt really bad, I really did but well, I'm happy to have the apartment free again. Friday, we will host our apartment warming "party" or gathering or whatever you want to call it. I plan on disappearing and hide in my big closet and talk to my (way too many) shoes. I'm not feeling it. Camila is super excited about it but I'm not really into the idea of having a bunch of people I don't really know that well coming here. I'm not even sure I care about anyone else than Max & Sofia. And well, Juanma, my ex. But he doesn't care about me anymore so I'm not sure how to feel about him. So yeah. I'd rather have a casual diner or something but bummer.
Also, I really really really need to do some editing work, write on my lovely paper diary and work on some birthday presents. Oh, and I started ice skating again. Turns out I surprisingly didn't forget everything I learned over the summer.

Lost like an octopus that is not an astronaut on the moon.

I really don't know what's up with me these days. I might need love, don't know. I've been feeling more and more disconnected of the world, absent. I don't fit, my thoughts fly away from home. Today I woke up to some strawberry jelly toasts, moody songs and a long lazy day. Oh, I made my first bolognese and I'm proud to say it tasted so good. We also got rid of all the bananas rotting in our fridge. We have now a huge banana bread and some banana milkshake. Yummy and fatty and I don't need that right now. I got my butt out and went to Safeway, skyped with Andrea, cooked, socialized with Max and even had diner and wine. What a productive day, except I ended up lying down on Pierre (our sofa bed), with my warm blanket on starring at the reflections on the window and my full glass of wine. I hope I can feel better when school starts. Motivation might hopefully brighten things up a little. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. That sucks.

Some more news: Monica totally forced her way into our house for a couple of days. She'll be sleeping home until she can move into her new place. I really don't want to have a guest in my living room right now. I just want to sleep, be super lazy, walk around in my pajama, and not socialize. Good thing I can't say no to her. 

Pura vida

Sanfranciscoliving

Goodeveninghowareyou?
2:45am. I feel like it's much later. I haven been around for over a year now. I have to admit I never tried to find time to write again but now that I read older posts, I think I miss it.

So, to have you up to date, I've been living in San Francisco for a year now. Wow, time really flies! Luckily for me, I kept a pretty irregular journal. Personal, private and messy but I got the major memories inked on that little cat notebook. So, yep. I've been studying photography, improving a whole lot, meeting people, changing, having new exciting experiences, dreaming, crying, missing, enjoying, laughing. Mostly living. I've been busy. So, after a year in the dorms, I moved to a lovely apartment with my crazy friend Camila. I live now in the Western Addition, four blocks away from Alamo Square, a few more from Japan Town, right in the Fillmore jazz district. And yes, we're officially living in this gorgeous two bedroom ikea apartment. I was hoping our neighbors would be nice, young people but once again, my bad luck followed me and we live across the hall from an old chinese man. The person next door isn't any better. 40-ish asian man probably living alone. Awesomeness.

Mom left this morning. I said goodbye yesterday, after a night at the Castro where we watched "The night of the iguana" and had a thai diner. I love my mom. She's been so helpful and simply awesome. But I'll admit it: I kinda wanted her to go to start living. Sleep, hang photos, be super lazy, get things settled down. After Outside Lands, visiting various museums, exhibitions (I totally recommend Man Ray, at Legion of Honor as well as Cindy Sherman at the SFMoMA), walking around, shopping quite a lot, having some crazy-deadly experiences, like almost dying on a wheel car at Golden Gate Park and stuff, I was tired.

SFMoMA

So she left and wow, it feels so good to be on my own. I'm not worried, since I've learned how to make mom-soup. I think I'll survive to anything. But now that she's gone and I can finally just lay in bed, read, think and think again while time flies, I realize that I'm freaking lost. Yep. Not sure how I see myself, if I like what I am becoming. I know, I'm only 19 and I suppose it's normal, cliché. But it sucks to feel that way! I feel this is not where I should be, I feel I haven't met the right people yet (not that I don't absolutely love the wonderful friends I've made), not improving enough. I feel slow, I feel small, insignificant. I can see people growing around me but I don't think I'm there yet and I really want to feel proud of me, make my family proud of me. Is it too soon?

I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately. Like an automat, I've been waking up in the morning by the timid light that finds her way through my green blinds, eating breakfast and going out to do what I was supposed to do. I miss spontaneity, creativity, taking pleasure while photographing the world. I don't want this to feel as if I was complaining about my life. I can't believe all the wonderful things that have happened lately. I mean, I am LIVING in San Francisco. For real. I have an apartment, my own bed, my own desk and chair. I've already hung up photos and I already feel like it's home to me but something is missing: my spirit. My cheerful, optimistic, sure of myself, dreamy. I have so much in me that I can't let out for some reason. Maybe writing again is what I needed, maybe starting once and for all this new semester, concentrate on my work or meet someone. A friend, an inspirational teacher, a guy. I don't know.

SFMoMA

I guess I'm back to my old habits. I'm back to being a Nocturnal bird.

First semester down.

De retour à la maison après 3 mois et demi à San Francisco. Moi qui avait peur de ne pas trouver ma place, je n'ai même pas eu le temps de venir par ici! Ce semestre a été incroyable!

En résumé, voici quelques images pour l'illustrer.

19th birthday

Valentine's pillow fight

19th birthday - Hat party

Disposable film festival @Castro 

Cinco de mayo 

Twin Peaks 

Twin Peaks

Color photography final project

Je ne veux pas travailler - Edith Piaf, Color photography 

Color photography 

Unexpected, visualization

Fear, visualization

The Cat Empire *Love sigh*

Quién fue el imbécil que un día decidió que era mejor que te rompiesen el corazón a la cara que por mensaje? No sé, solo sé que ojalá no hubiese tenido que sonreír y asentir como una imbécil. Haber podido deshacerme poco a poco y al haberme sentido "mejor", decirte lo mucho que dolió leerlo.

2012 GOALS


Eat healthier
Exercise
Walk a lot
Touch someone's life
Watch a sunrise
Feel beautiful
Be happy
Meet new people
Forget some others
Work harder
Read more books
Take time to visit museums
Save money
Keep in contact with people I love
Stay organized
Keep up my 365 project
Stop harassing my lips
Write on my diary quite often

So, I'm editing this post today, December the 28th of 2012. A year has gone by and I can't believe it. Let's see how I did this year.. not bad! I'll have to work on some things again for 2014!

Thought there was love in everything and everyone

You're so naive!

They always reach a sorry ending

They always get it in the end

Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then

With a winning smile, the poor boy

With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried

Sometimes you gotta be your own hero and save your own little heart. Because sometimes, the people you can't imagine living without can actually live without you.

Winter break.

So, finally winter break! A month and a week to enjoy Europe, family, friends and trips! 


Things to do during winter break:

Enjoy family ✓
Go to Budapest (& enjoy it) ✓
Write some notes of Budapest trip ✓
Have a great nye ✓
Start over my 365 project ✓
See friends ✓
Have a diner with El circulo
Scrapbook
Clean up photography page on facebook
Install Adobe master collection ✓
Clean up computer
Fix iPhoto ✓
Talk to apple care
Go to Madrid ✓
Visit Madrid ✓
Go to El Prado ✓
Meet Teresa ✓
Renew my passport ✓
Send my diploma to San Francisco ✓
Update links
Update addresses
Walk ✓
Lose weight

Only a few days left. Only seven days to leave. In a week, I'll be flying over the Atlantic. San Francisco, here I come.
Scared? Yes. Excited? Sure. Impatient? Probably.

I am aware that this is going to be a great adventure. I know it's a fantastic opportunity. But I am leaving. I mean no more home made delicious food prepared with love. No more kisses good night. No more pretending to be sick. No more maternal hugs. No more half hugs from dad. No more horror movie nights with mum. No more fighting with brother. No more opening the fridge and stare at him at night. No more belgian rain. No more metro rides. No more cat fur over my shirts. No more clean, yummy smelling and ironed clothes. No more random shopping with mom. No more dinners with the girls. No more sushi nights with boyfriend. No more getting money for the movies. No more car rides. No more, no more, no more.

I am going to miss you mom, daddy, brother, sister, boyfriend, friends. I am going to miss you all so much. Too much. So much I'll cry at night. So much my heart will ache. So much I don't know what I'll do.

Je reprend bientôt en main ce blog qui meurt peu à peu. Départ imminent vers San Francisco. Vendredi, je m'envole. J'ai bien envie de tenir un petit journal peut-être pas très journalier mais disons régulier. See you soon.

It will soon be over.

Everybody wants to be a cat!

I'LL BE BACK SOON!