I can't seem to make me mine.

So I've been watching almost non stop "Community". New tv show on my list! So sad, I've even fallen in love with my Ikea bed. I think I miss feeling loved and feeling someone actually cares about me. Oh well. Changing sad subjects, classes start on thursday and I can't wait. Lighting, photoshop, art history... I really need to keep my mind busy and distracted from my stupid thoughts. Sofia is arrived to the city yesterday and we'll get to have a girly diner here, isn't that awesome? Oh, I didn't mention Monica left. We felt really bad, I really did but well, I'm happy to have the apartment free again. Friday, we will host our apartment warming "party" or gathering or whatever you want to call it. I plan on disappearing and hide in my big closet and talk to my (way too many) shoes. I'm not feeling it. Camila is super excited about it but I'm not really into the idea of having a bunch of people I don't really know that well coming here. I'm not even sure I care about anyone else than Max & Sofia. And well, Juanma, my ex. But he doesn't care about me anymore so I'm not sure how to feel about him. So yeah. I'd rather have a casual diner or something but bummer.
Also, I really really really need to do some editing work, write on my lovely paper diary and work on some birthday presents. Oh, and I started ice skating again. Turns out I surprisingly didn't forget everything I learned over the summer.

Pura vida

Sanfranciscoliving

Goodeveninghowareyou?
2:45am. I feel like it's much later. I haven been around for over a year now. I have to admit I never tried to find time to write again but now that I read older posts, I think I miss it.

So, to have you up to date, I've been living in San Francisco for a year now. Wow, time really flies! Luckily for me, I kept a pretty irregular journal. Personal, private and messy but I got the major memories inked on that little cat notebook. So, yep. I've been studying photography, improving a whole lot, meeting people, changing, having new exciting experiences, dreaming, crying, missing, enjoying, laughing. Mostly living. I've been busy. So, after a year in the dorms, I moved to a lovely apartment with my crazy friend Camila. I live now in the Western Addition, four blocks away from Alamo Square, a few more from Japan Town, right in the Fillmore jazz district. And yes, we're officially living in this gorgeous two bedroom ikea apartment. I was hoping our neighbors would be nice, young people but once again, my bad luck followed me and we live across the hall from an old chinese man. The person next door isn't any better. 40-ish asian man probably living alone. Awesomeness.

Mom left this morning. I said goodbye yesterday, after a night at the Castro where we watched "The night of the iguana" and had a thai diner. I love my mom. She's been so helpful and simply awesome. But I'll admit it: I kinda wanted her to go to start living. Sleep, hang photos, be super lazy, get things settled down. After Outside Lands, visiting various museums, exhibitions (I totally recommend Man Ray, at Legion of Honor as well as Cindy Sherman at the SFMoMA), walking around, shopping quite a lot, having some crazy-deadly experiences, like almost dying on a wheel car at Golden Gate Park and stuff, I was tired.

SFMoMA

So she left and wow, it feels so good to be on my own. I'm not worried, since I've learned how to make mom-soup. I think I'll survive to anything. But now that she's gone and I can finally just lay in bed, read, think and think again while time flies, I realize that I'm freaking lost. Yep. Not sure how I see myself, if I like what I am becoming. I know, I'm only 19 and I suppose it's normal, cliché. But it sucks to feel that way! I feel this is not where I should be, I feel I haven't met the right people yet (not that I don't absolutely love the wonderful friends I've made), not improving enough. I feel slow, I feel small, insignificant. I can see people growing around me but I don't think I'm there yet and I really want to feel proud of me, make my family proud of me. Is it too soon?

I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately. Like an automat, I've been waking up in the morning by the timid light that finds her way through my green blinds, eating breakfast and going out to do what I was supposed to do. I miss spontaneity, creativity, taking pleasure while photographing the world. I don't want this to feel as if I was complaining about my life. I can't believe all the wonderful things that have happened lately. I mean, I am LIVING in San Francisco. For real. I have an apartment, my own bed, my own desk and chair. I've already hung up photos and I already feel like it's home to me but something is missing: my spirit. My cheerful, optimistic, sure of myself, dreamy. I have so much in me that I can't let out for some reason. Maybe writing again is what I needed, maybe starting once and for all this new semester, concentrate on my work or meet someone. A friend, an inspirational teacher, a guy. I don't know.

SFMoMA

I guess I'm back to my old habits. I'm back to being a Nocturnal bird.