Lost like an octopus that is not an astronaut on the moon.

I really don't know what's up with me these days. I might need love, don't know. I've been feeling more and more disconnected of the world, absent. I don't fit, my thoughts fly away from home. Today I woke up to some strawberry jelly toasts, moody songs and a long lazy day. Oh, I made my first bolognese and I'm proud to say it tasted so good. We also got rid of all the bananas rotting in our fridge. We have now a huge banana bread and some banana milkshake. Yummy and fatty and I don't need that right now. I got my butt out and went to Safeway, skyped with Andrea, cooked, socialized with Max and even had diner and wine. What a productive day, except I ended up lying down on Pierre (our sofa bed), with my warm blanket on starring at the reflections on the window and my full glass of wine. I hope I can feel better when school starts. Motivation might hopefully brighten things up a little. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. That sucks.

Some more news: Monica totally forced her way into our house for a couple of days. She'll be sleeping home until she can move into her new place. I really don't want to have a guest in my living room right now. I just want to sleep, be super lazy, walk around in my pajama, and not socialize. Good thing I can't say no to her. 

Pura vida

Sanfranciscoliving

Goodeveninghowareyou?
2:45am. I feel like it's much later. I haven been around for over a year now. I have to admit I never tried to find time to write again but now that I read older posts, I think I miss it.

So, to have you up to date, I've been living in San Francisco for a year now. Wow, time really flies! Luckily for me, I kept a pretty irregular journal. Personal, private and messy but I got the major memories inked on that little cat notebook. So, yep. I've been studying photography, improving a whole lot, meeting people, changing, having new exciting experiences, dreaming, crying, missing, enjoying, laughing. Mostly living. I've been busy. So, after a year in the dorms, I moved to a lovely apartment with my crazy friend Camila. I live now in the Western Addition, four blocks away from Alamo Square, a few more from Japan Town, right in the Fillmore jazz district. And yes, we're officially living in this gorgeous two bedroom ikea apartment. I was hoping our neighbors would be nice, young people but once again, my bad luck followed me and we live across the hall from an old chinese man. The person next door isn't any better. 40-ish asian man probably living alone. Awesomeness.

Mom left this morning. I said goodbye yesterday, after a night at the Castro where we watched "The night of the iguana" and had a thai diner. I love my mom. She's been so helpful and simply awesome. But I'll admit it: I kinda wanted her to go to start living. Sleep, hang photos, be super lazy, get things settled down. After Outside Lands, visiting various museums, exhibitions (I totally recommend Man Ray, at Legion of Honor as well as Cindy Sherman at the SFMoMA), walking around, shopping quite a lot, having some crazy-deadly experiences, like almost dying on a wheel car at Golden Gate Park and stuff, I was tired.

SFMoMA

So she left and wow, it feels so good to be on my own. I'm not worried, since I've learned how to make mom-soup. I think I'll survive to anything. But now that she's gone and I can finally just lay in bed, read, think and think again while time flies, I realize that I'm freaking lost. Yep. Not sure how I see myself, if I like what I am becoming. I know, I'm only 19 and I suppose it's normal, cliché. But it sucks to feel that way! I feel this is not where I should be, I feel I haven't met the right people yet (not that I don't absolutely love the wonderful friends I've made), not improving enough. I feel slow, I feel small, insignificant. I can see people growing around me but I don't think I'm there yet and I really want to feel proud of me, make my family proud of me. Is it too soon?

I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately. Like an automat, I've been waking up in the morning by the timid light that finds her way through my green blinds, eating breakfast and going out to do what I was supposed to do. I miss spontaneity, creativity, taking pleasure while photographing the world. I don't want this to feel as if I was complaining about my life. I can't believe all the wonderful things that have happened lately. I mean, I am LIVING in San Francisco. For real. I have an apartment, my own bed, my own desk and chair. I've already hung up photos and I already feel like it's home to me but something is missing: my spirit. My cheerful, optimistic, sure of myself, dreamy. I have so much in me that I can't let out for some reason. Maybe writing again is what I needed, maybe starting once and for all this new semester, concentrate on my work or meet someone. A friend, an inspirational teacher, a guy. I don't know.

SFMoMA

I guess I'm back to my old habits. I'm back to being a Nocturnal bird.

We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living.

La tête dans les nuages, sous la mer.

Je suis en plein projet de photographie. Tout un challenge. On m'a demandé de faire les flyers pour le Fashion Show de la Springfest. Le thème: La guerre. Et la je bloque. Manque d'inspiration, c'est la première fois qu'un thème me bloque comme cela. Aujourd'hui, ma modèle préférée est venue. Oui, Maria Olsson a accepté de m'aider avec le projet. En exclusive (parce-que je sais que personne ne viendra voir ce blog, héhé) je vous montre les essais d'aujourd'hui, mes préférées. Je ne suis pourtant pas du tout contente du résultat... Ces photos ne sont pas faites pour des flyers et je ne suis pas certaine que l'école les approuve (les premières). Je vous laisse me donner votre avis, parce-que j'en ai besoin.

Enfin bref, parlant d'autre chose: j'ai enfin réussi à trouver des chaussures à mon goût. J'ai tout trouvé d'un coup, dans le même magasin: Salamander, dans les galeries de Louise. Mercredi, après avoir raté mon rendez-vous chez le dentiste croyant arriver à l'heure alors que ça faisait 30mn qu'on m'attendait, je pars avec maman pour un shopping bal du bac qui se transforme en shopping chaussures. J'en suis ressortie avec trois belles paires. Il était temps de changer et de passer à autre chose. Il était temps que mes Convers prennent la retraite. Prochainement, je posterais quelques photos de mes trouvailles :)

Bonne nuit,

The Nocturnal bird

Projet 365. 2 semaines

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Para la prosperidad...

Back from London. Today was an exhausting day. I arrived yesterday at 11pm home and went to bed really late. I decided then to wake up at 9h. Skip history of art and philosophy. And yes, I feel bad but I would have felt worse and zombi-like if I had gone earlier. 

Anyway, London was great, amazing. A great group, not so good weather but we did get some sunshine. First of all, a UCL presentation/chat with Martin White who was a funny guy with Peter Griffin's laugh. That was fun. We then had a guided tour of the university. Two students accepted to show us around. That was pretty boring but okay. We then walked (a lot) to our meal place: A church crypt. Unfortunately, the church was closed and we couldn't visit it. We decided to walk around and do some shopping (unsuccessful). The sun decided to show up so it was pretty nice. 14h45, meeting at the Phoenix theatre to see the musical Blood Brothers which was really cool. I totally recommend it. After three hours of music and acting, back to St.Pancras station. 20 minutes to buy a sandwich for diner and fruit at Starbuck's and we were already waiting for our train. After some time finally resting, the train arrived and there we were, going back to Brussels after a fantastic day trip :) 

Il faut un pays d'ombre pour travailler la lumière

Belle journée à Fleurus, à la ferme familiale de Bernard Tirtiaux, peintre, chanteur, acteur et maître verrier. J'ai ramené beaucoup de jolies photos, l'endroit était superbe. Demain, c'est Londres qui m'attend!